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Faye Whitaker/Quotes
Memorable quotes Loud and proud *"I am a milk ninja!" *"High-quality booze is for pansies. I am TOUGH." *"Marten, we're LADIES. We operate on a whole other plane of existence when it comes to plotting and drama." *"I am Muffin Cthulhu" *"I am the depleted uranium of feminity." *"Comparing most girls to me is like comparing Sputnik to a space-borne death-laser." *"No offense Dora, but you'd make a lousy surrogate for me. You're like .65 Fayes at best." *"I am the Hope diamond of hipster girls." *"I have allure coded right into my genes" *"I feel like Tigers are walking over my grave. My grave is gonna be BADASS." *"Ten million youtube views, Minimum." Unsorted *"I have attained girlvana!" *"One can never be too careful. A girl has to protect her assets. Also her breastets." *"Do you see the look on my face right now? This look means that you have just broken my mind." *"You are a true friend, flower pits." *"I'm making a pee-rah-mid!" *"Well, let's just say that I'm not very good at making toast." *"The stupid toaster was just out to get me." *"NO I DO NOT CARE THAT THEY ARE OUT ON A DATE TOGETHER IT DOES NOT BOTHER ME IN THE SLIGHTEST SO DO NOT ASK AGAIN" *"She's at home listening to the Red House Painters, gazing moodily at her Morrissey poster and sighing. Pop Tart crumbs litter her sheets. Sad Pop Tart crumbs, crumbs of loneliness and dejection." *"Imagine if Howard Hughes and a scarecrow had a baby girl" *"Go. Eat. A. Cookie." *"...music plus science equals sexy!" *"Would you like me to call your mother a whore, poison your cat, or take a dump on your sofa?" *"Ask about our refurbished Starbuck's employee program!" *"I figure the weirder your life is, the more fun you're having." *"I'm trying to use humor to help me face adversity. You know that famous photo of the Chinese protester standing in front of that column of tanks? I bet he was making silly faces at them." *"It wants to be your special friend!" *"I think the best kind of boyfriend is the one who lives in your underwear drawer and takes AA batteries." *"Oh yeah. I also drink seltzer when I want soda, eat rice crackers when I want chocolate, and listen to bluegrass when I want death metal. I am getting a freaky Popeye forearm. My right hand filed a RESTRAINING ORDER. I AM JUST A TINY BIT BORED WITH IT." *"I demand instant gratification" *"Mister Talking Whiskey Bottle here told me! He is a vast reservoir of false knowledge and fuel for mistake-making." *"Here. Have some Emergency Bourbon." *"WELP Time for some Emergency Bourbon" *"I WILL LET YOU TOUCH MY BOOBS IF YOU'LL SHUT UP" *"God is a monitor lizard! He can't spend half the year hibernating, He has too much to do. Therefore, He shuns the North and its bitter winters." *"I'm sorry, it's just that gay couples are cute enough as it is, and the concept of a little gay robot couple is just unbearably adorable." *"CHRIST, woman, we're tryin' to have a moment of friendship here! You can have his cock in a minute!" *"Me and Sven wassic a speedboat that caught fire and exploded. You and I are a paddle steamer near Niagara Falls." *"Fucking shit-eating DOUCHEBAG ASSHOLE!" *"Goodness gracious, that must mean I'm a unicorn!" *"Yes, yes. Snot on my shirt, That's what friends are for." *"...have you ever lived completely by yourself before? After a couple weeks you find yourself talking to the kitchen appliances. 'Oh, good morning Mister Refrigerator! You're looking very shiny today!'" *"This just in: we will be postponing this morning's scheduled panic attack in order to admire that fine, fine ass." *"What am I supposed to do with all this surplus rage now?" Sassy *"'Specialty' coffee drinks are all just namby-pamby flavored crap for people who don't actually like coffee." *"I go into anaphylactic shock when I pretend to be cheerful" *"My sarcasm beam is all charged up and ready to go" *"What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?" *"Quick, say something stupid so I can make fun of you" *"Well that is very sweet, but completely idiotic." *"I enjoy consuming the charred flesh of dead animals" *"I WILL turn the hose on you two. I will go to the hardware store and purchase a hose. Then I will come back here, hook it up to the faucet, and turn it on you." *"Okay, that does it. We are going to a veterinary clinic to have you spayed." *"Let me get my aloof sneer warmed up and we'll be on our way." *"No way, once you get past my smirking remarks, you have to negotiate the spike pit, and after the spike pit is the laser cave" *"There are no save points when it comes to ladies, honey." *"Your hair reflects your soul. They are both pitch black and spiky" *"You just haven't dug deep enough to reveal my hidden core of pure, molten bitchnium" *"MY eventual goal is to be an evil millionaire" *"...your coffee is over-roasted and smells like feet" Violent *"A wheel of cheddar to the skull, a slab of gouda to the groin. Truly, it is the deadliest of the food groups." *"Boy-punching is the best way for a girl to test her depth-perception" *"Rampaging bears are the answer to all of our cultural missteps!" *"If I don't get some espresso in me within the next ten minutes I cannot be held responsible for my actions." *"To the mall, where I shall burn and pillage! And also try on shoes!" *"If I sense any lusting, I will stab you and then poop in the wound." *"Must maintain control...Must not punch boss in her stupid Gothy face..." *"C'mon, at least lemme break one of her arms." *"I am sorry! I did not mean to break your arm!" *"Well obviously I had to visit horrific violence on him as a matter of principle, but I really admire the sheer audacity of smacking me on the ass. I'm torn." *"I swear to god they will find your body in not one dumpster but SEVERAL. Each six blocks apart." *"The next time I try to 'fix' a boy it's gonna be with a pair of hedge clippers" *"Am I still allowed to murder customers? I do so enjoy the murderin'." *"Aw, you never let me murder anybody." *"Touch me and I will pound you into a shape resembling a small cube made entirely of pain." *"The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage." *"Apparently knowing someone's name DOESN'T make it easier to set them on fire with your mind." *"In a relaxed social environment, patrons do not expect me to pour scalding espresso down their shirts when they proposition me." *"Right now I would like nothing more than to beat you so hard you need to eat through a straw for the rest of your life. But Marty asked me not to." *"I like plottin' downfalls. They make me feel... tingly." *"You can ignore the phone calls from PETA though, there's no proof that the kitten was still alive when I bit its head off." *"I would level a city block in exchange for a pint of fudge ripple!" *"A girl does not mind using her ninja skills if it is to help a friend!" *"I wasn't meant to be a young lady of the 21st century, I was meant to be a Mongol warlord." *"Hooray, beheadings!" *"If it makes you feel any better, Sven immediately made a ``hur hur what's a number 69`` joke and I punched him in the dick." Recovering *"This is why I don't like change. It changes things." *"I’m like a hedgehog—if you just give me time to uncurl I’ll eventually relax and not be so prickly." *"There needs to be a monster truck option" *"Someday I'll be a real girl, with functional emotions and attitudes toward life" *"Someday I'll be sane enough to sleep with a boy, and it'll be my turn to gross YOU guys out. Expect powerpoint presentations and 3D rendered models" *"I'm NOT strong. I'm just good at burying things. I've been doing it for years now. It's like I'm stuck halfway between grief and recovery and I can't go in either direction." *"I act all tough or mean or whatever but the minute someone calls me on it I go to pieces." *"Now that I feel better, I can't justify eating this entire bag of cookies." *"Being bitter isn't gonna make you feel better. I mean, I understand why you feel that way, but ... it doesn't help. I know from experience." *To Marten: "I'm still trying to get better, but it's hard, and scary, and I can't do it without you. You're my best friend in the whole world and I couldn't stand it if you were mad at me." *"I'm not all right." *"FUCK this. I'm not giving up." *"Don't cry, I'll be fine. Eventually." *"TOTO" Category:Quotes